I started this piece any number of ways (envision the writer crumpling paper and chucking it over her shoulder), but I realized the best way was not to pussyfoot, but to dive right in. I’ve been thinking about sex lately - for good reason: I have two teenage daughters. Just thinking about 1. sex and 2. teenage daughters and the perils they face ignited a hot flash. There, now I have removed my clothes… okay just my sweater. I feel a little better already.

I got to thinking about this topic when my younger daughter told me that at high school dances some kids “grind.” If you don’t grind, you’re pretty much an outcast. A boy asked her to dance at homecoming, and when she said, “Yeah, sure, but I won’t grind.” He said, “Forget it then.”

I’ve played the fence on both sides of this issue to come up with a conclusion. When I talked to a male friend in his mid 20’s about the topic, he said, “Ah, it’s no big deal.” Maybe it isn’t. Kids are always surprising their elders. I danced on MTV; Kenny Ortega choreographed the video and I learned to dirty dance from the creator. Right hand propped on my partner’s shoulder; his on mine. Our left hands on each others’ waist, the inside of his knee driving against the inside of my knee, our bodies undulating up and down. Think of what the generation before thought of rock and roll, long hair and bra burning. WHAT’S THE WORLD COMING TO?

How far is too far? Is grinding an innocent way to get close without getting too close? Or is it born out of a generation raised with pornography, of impersonalizing the other in the act of sex. Is it a rebellion to parents’ refusal to discuss sex openly because they think it will encourage it?

I knew that one of my kids would be ready for exploring the issue earlier than I was, so we watched Sex and the City and we discussed it. What was okay? What was appalling? What feels invasive, appropriate, exciting? Talking about sex with kids doesn’t inspire kids to act on their instincts. On the contrary, we, their mothers and their fathers, have information that can guide them to happier experiences than we had. By being open to what they are feeling, we can open the door to conversations about painful and awkward topics.

By making the topic taboo because we don’t know how to be comfortable with our own bodies and thoughts, we turn it into an opportunity for rebellion. Kids turn to pornography and grinding. Don’t get me wrong. I think two people who’ve committed to one another can grind all they want. But for two young, relative strangers – it is too much too soon. It’s saying to the world the body is more important than the spirit and heart. I want my daughter to find a boy who will laugh at her jokes. I see the two of them lying under a tree looking up at the light through the leaves, finding their way into a first kiss. Let the grinding come later. Let innocence tease the heart open to every terrifying ache and exquisite joy. If there is a foundation of trust and love and admiration, sex can be as dirty and wild and abandoned as it is sacred and healing. The pelvis is an altar and a storehouse of life force and creativity. Let’s be discerning who we share it with.

Sure, I dirty danced with a stranger for the camera. He was in love with Cher, the star of our video. We acted. It was silly and fun, but our pelvises never touched the other and he certainly wasn’t getting off on my leg. That would be creepy! Maybe kids can decide what’s right and wrong by the other person’s intention. Is the grinding playful and fun, or is it aggressive and impersonal? How well do you know the guy? Are you willing to say no if you’re uncomfortable? I can’t change what’s going on in the culture, but I can help my daughter make choices that feel positive and healthy.

I Am Love directed and based on a story by Luca Guadagnino* is one hot movie. But that’s an understatement. The Boston Globe’s review is spot on: “Bursting with ‘Love’: From Tilda Swinton to Milan setting, this melodrama is filled with rapture.”

I Am Love is the story of a woman awakening, moving from autopilot and tradition into her senses, with beautiful food and a chef as the gateway. I Am Love teased me open, not so much with a riveting story line as with rich, delicious images that lure, quake, shock, and pulsate. The movie traveled the terrain from ecstatic to heartbroken and pensive. And it led me to question why we even fall asleep in the first place. I mean, I don’t think we all need to throw away our lives to run off and strip naked in a field with a chef, but a lot of people do because of the way our culture is set up.

Our relatively sterile culture discourages art in the schools and pimps numbing-out in all forms, including too many antidepressants, vast indoor malls selling ghastly odors, mindless television shows and trash magazines that make us believe there is a correct mold. These rob us of sensuous experience.

I just returned from Italy where women of all shapes and sizes roam the beach proudly. They are not their body - or if they are, they also know they are so much more. Men there admire the older as readily as the younger women. I never felt more beautiful. Sensuous experience – being present with what is happening around us every second, helps us to remain present. And, if we remain present, we can’t help but be aware of our spectrum of emotions and this is when we feel most alive!

Yoga is powerful, because it is difficult enough to keep us focused on body and breath and outside of the chattering mind. Stepping outside the mind allows us to feel and experience life, as opposed to numbing out (jogging on a treadmill with headphones or watching TV). All forms of checking out lead to depression (no matter how much serotonin one is generating on a treadmill) because the intention is to get rid of calories and not increase chi. I love our culture for many reasons I will explore in a future blog, but one other downside is that we separate our spiritual from our physical and wonder why we get sick!

I am happy I was able to see the movie weeks after returning from Italy, and it is clear why an Italian made I Am Love. Puccini, Viani, Nomellini…a Nona and her bambini on the beach blanket, sunset over the Arno, rows of lavender, diving into the most vivid blue imaginable and swimming: endless images that fill my memory and my heart so that I feel like a walking sponge – I must be sweating in color!

Like the movie shows us, feelings are not always easy or pretty. Being present and feeling fully alive is messy business. I know what it feels like to press my face into the floor wet with tears or to wake with the sheets tangled tightly around my legs, as though I spent the night as a fish trying to break free from the net. Feeling pain, sadness, anger are the flip side of joy, but if we choose to feel them rather than grab a glass of wine, a pill or a cigarette, then they will pass like clouds in a storm, leaving a sense of renewal and hope that makes life worth living. If we ignore them, they fester.

When we lose touch with nature, beauty, feelings and the senses, life becomes a sterile obligation. Our culture lulls us to sleep. We work and function in a dream until one day the door opens and we leap. By staying present instead of living solely for the future or living for someone else or for the tribe…we have a chance of living every day fully alive. We Are Love!

Warning: the Boston Globe rated it R for sexuality, nudity and “aggressive interior design.”
*The screenplay was based on a story by Mr. Guadagnino and written by Barbara Alberti, Ivan Cotroneo, Walter Fasano and Mr. Guadagnino.

I am getting ready to move – again (as though once weren’t enough in one 4 month period!). And, as life would have it, there has been a lot of emotional upheaval both related and unrelated to the move. The primal side seeks to settle – to establish home and hearth. In pulling up roots, to follow a new route, we mourn and celebrate what is left behind and bravely move to the new. But, there have been other shifts going on, and maybe once I decided to make a physical transition, other spiritual aspects shifted in order to help me become the new person in a new place.

If I boil down all the events that occurred during one recent familial incident, what struck me as the most important discovery in all of it is the idea of being part of a “clan” or “tribe”. I remember when I got married, my father-in-law said: “I hope you know you’ve married into a tribe.” I recall both a delighted feeling of belonging as well as slight consternation, like maybe I was going to have to endure some sort of playful initiation as the newbie. Considering the dynamic nature of my own tribal family, I wondered if I could be part of several clans or if that would pose a conflict of interests.

While modern times necessitate none of the ancient traditions (such as being required to join the husband’s tribe and turn my back to my own) there is still a collective conscious memory of it. I would imagine in some cultures, ideally, the two tribes not only benefited monetarily, but even joined spiritually in some way.

Collective or tribal thinking can accomplish all sorts of wonders, but when it becomes too primal, too “them against us” then it doesn’t serve the greater tribe – the human tribe. When walls come down (like the Berlin Wall in 1989), we connect with Others and see that they are not unlike us.

Micro reflects macro, like a hologram. If families cannot get along and learn to communicate and trust, if we cannot see ourselves as integral parts of all families, religions, political parties with whom we come into contact, then we choose to be torn apart.

Human nature also, at this stage in evolution, tends to want to overcome the weak. Tribes will remain; walls may need to be built to draw a boundary. The ego forces us to be on top, to win, to be exclusive at the expense of others, to prove our dominance (again interpersonal relationships - micro - reflecting relationships between countries - macro). What needs to be developed is an understanding that what we see in the Other is also a part of ourselves. We need to find a way to remain in the heart (and out of ego) and communicate. That’s what the families I am a part of did this week. And it ended relatively peacefully without a lot of hard feelings on anyone’s part despite the mess, and a great deal of healing. No one person was blamed, although some opened the can of worms. The universe is making us confront and observe our divisions and schisms so that where the walls must fall to preserve the greater good, they will fall or destruction will ensue.

I realized that, on one hand, I want to be a part of all tribes: a Svendsen, a Baranowski, a Hill, a Delaney, a Kellogg, and a Gunsaulus, and on the other hand I don’t want to belong to any tribe. We live in this gray area of belonging and of being outcasts. We swim between the two roles or poles, working for the benefit of all, but sometimes, like spiritual warriors, setting out on solitary journeys in order to bring back renewed personal understanding and knowledge to the whole, a bridge between tribes.

[I wanted to integrate my feelings about the beautiful, delicious and stunning Italian movie: I Am Love, but I will save that for another entry, another time.]

Ever since a FB friend asked about the meaning of unconditional love on his wall and received a record number of replies, I have been contemplating the conversation. Too, in a number of situations this year, I’ve been inspired to think about it. Love – the most complicated four letters in our language. Or… do we complicate it?

Of course we don’t love pizza the same way we love our mother – well, at least, I don’t, but I want to suggest that we love our lover the same way we love our children or a stranger we pass on the street. (My kids put up with me.) It’s the ego voice that is insulted by that statement, because ego wants to parcel, divide, and differentiate. The best explanation that I’ve read about this is what A Course in Miracles refers to as “special” love: “I have certain special needs that God cannot meet, but you, a special person with special attributes, can meet them for me. When you do, I shall love you. If you do not, my love will turn to hate” (or resentment or indifference). (Quote excerpted from the site for A Foundation of Course in Miracles.) Our “best” friends can’t always be there for us and we feel cheated but love is love – if we are open someone else will be there. Why are we compelled to label someone “best?”

We may not say it so simplistically… “if you do not [do what I want] my love will turn to hate,” but in many love relationships, when they end, people feel like the love ends or like they cannot be friends with someone who broke off a relationship because that would give the other person some gratification. Our ego voice is what will destroy us and the world if we don’t put a stop to its control over us… recognize it and love it for what it is: the shadow. The ego voice is like a toxic person we might not want to be with, even if we love them for the reflection of us that they are. Why should love stop just because someone doesn’t do what we want them to? Is that love… or guilt?

So, while we may not want to spend the rest of our lives with someone, we may still love them deeply. When I am in the moment, in my body, conscious of what is going on around me… and not wrapped inside my thoughts, I feel love coursing in my blood. I see the dance of light between branches, I hear the breeze and an owl in the pine tree, I smell the wood burning in a fireplace, my hands are warm in the velour gloves. And, I am a living channel of love. People might say you can’t walk around in love all the time? But why not? It means we feel pain more acutely, but we also feel compassion and joy more fully, as well as our connection to the Other. We FEEL that we are connected to everything around us when unconditional love is the driving inspiration.

A couple things about our strange culture: We associate love with a queasy obsessive feeling. When I was dating a man my mother didn’t like, she told me I was addicted to love and lust, and not in love with the guy. I told her I would rather listen to a pizza, but mom is always right! Years later I realized she was indeed right on the money, because while under the spell I couldn’t see that the guy was an alcoholic and our lives together would have been a nightmare. (He was one of those examples I should love from a distance.) I had not learned the art of observing the highs as rigorously as I observe my lows. That Buddhist principle is sort of like when Christians pray when they are sad or in church but not when they are happy or a home. With spiritual practice we keep a finger on the pulse, we remind ourselves to choose love over fear over guilt over ego voice.

The other thing about our culture is the weight on the three words: “I love you.” Should the woman say it first? Should the man? Is there weakness, a loss of face? Why does it scare people? Why does it imply: okay now we are hitched and you have totally lost any freedom whatsoever. Alas, it is what it is and I would never over my dead body say it first to a man or a pizza. So, I play the game. I do tell my girlfriends I love them, and my children, and someday I will tell a companion that, but there was a time, one time, I loved a lover with all of my heart even while I knew I could not be with him a lifetime ….and I could not say “I love you” because he would not understand. At that moment I realized the unbelievable magnitude of those three words and an opportunity lost because we treat love as “special.”

When people struggle in relationship I tell them to #1 learn to hear their ego voice that punishes them brutally and tells them they are wrong for this and unlovable or unworthy for that… guilt guilt… and once they quell, extinguish and integrate that… #2 to love their partner unconditionally… don’t NEED presents, dishes washed, sex, garbage taken out… just for a day… love unconditionally without expectation or requirement… and then #3 Look at the relationship from this clear perspective. Is the argument about flowers not received or is it about intimacy? What’s the deeper issue? When that’s clear then an action can be taken. Sometimes quelling ego voice and loving unconditionally is enough. Sometimes the truth is unsettling. How many people become inured to abuse and “stay because of the kids” and model love=tolerating guilt and abuse? Love may be present but the relationship may clearly be over.

How do we know? Love is permanent, but our soul’s call and requirement is unique and following that call often takes us away from the people we love the most. Spiritual calling is not something we can explain to anyone. It is personal. If we are acting from our genitals then grief and chaos ensues (drama) and clouds love, but sometimes a relationship is over to one person when it is not to another. Our heart tells us the answers. Two people are lucky if they wake up another day and check in with their hearts and know they want to still be together. That is a living relationship.

Once, a lover said to me that he loved me, “but not in the way that I wanted”…. and I know he meant we were not on the same page, but what he didn’t realize is that he loved me exactly like I wanted for the time we were together. I believe we experience love in direct relationship to our capacity. He overflowed my urn and he even stretched my capacity because all we can do is light each other up. Love is like the ocean and if we are afraid we only allow ourselves a cup of salt water when we could be swimming in the sea. Human love has the possibility to teach us Divine Love, which is infinite. Maybe his experience was that he had to put a cap on love when it got too big, because it helped him function in some way knowing we would not be together forever, but who is together forever?!? He was probably trying to protect me. Ultimately, it wasn’t the idea of losing him my heart couldn’t bear (although that was cold tough reality), it was his inability to open fully to me in the moment. But, my heart will forever be stretched to a greater capacity because of sacred moments we shared and I appreciate the way he loved and honored me and understood me to my core. When it was unconditional, I was a deer in the headlights. I could not hide. I died to be reborn to love in a deeper way. I wanted to hold onto to him, but in the end, I realized we are never separate… not from each other not from anyone. Unconditional Love is the Divine glue.

So, to summarize, I think when we start to manage, control, divide LOVE it is no longer unconditional. But, when we settle down and let the heart lead, things are very clear and a great deal of healing occurs.

Adyashanti is in Arvada this weekend for a lecture and one day workshop. I was only available to attend his talk last night. I heard him speak in Boulder two years ago and was riveted. Since then, I have ordered CD's and contemplated his teachings. My friend, Carolyn, said “he seems like the harbinger of the new way of being," conveyer of an old message made new.

What makes him so profound is his humor, authenticity, humility, self-awareness, evident joy, honesty, and intelligence. Probably no accident those are attributes I value in my partners... and friends, and I strive to achieve. Without humor and irony, discussing spiritual philosophy either falls flat or is too heavy handed.

Adyashanti is the first to say that it is ludicrous that he makes a living talking about something that cannot be put into words. But, he says, nonetheless, he makes a stab at it. He talked about the content of our mind... content is always related to mind - even spiritual content (religious dogma)....and we collect content. But, we are not the content (our name, our job, our position in life). Instead, we are a reflection of context, or interrelated conditions dependent on our unique qualities, our perception, our being-ness rather than doing-ness.
Context and content are both important to spirit, because what's the inhale without the exhale? We receive glimpses of Nirvana –inhale – likely because we have been willing to still our minds and open our heart, which at first means pain – exhale. As we practice, day after day, observing our mind, we become separate from content – even while learning to live with it – and closer to context… to the ease of spirit. There is less pain, because it’s less about us individually, and more about connection… we become more compassionate, freer, more able to be of service to others.

Adyashanti engages in the discussion, but what’s the point of discussing what cannot be discussed? Why are we here? What does it all mean? It is all meaningless and meaningful. We choose to attribute meaning to one thing and ignore another. We create who we are and magnetize the environments and people in our lives. He said Buddha never believed in reincarnation. Interesting. Does it matter? Do our beliefs matter? Why do we need to believe anything? Can we just BE? In love… Be in love. If love motivates every action, every thought we will heal our feelings, our ego, each other.

As a kid my mom and my aunt saw the humor in everything, sometimes when it wasn’t always appropriate, but their freedom and lightheartedness inspired me. Last night as I was sitting in meditation, I heard my daughter, Liz, and my friend, Carolyn, giggling. It made me sigh with joy… to know they were sharing a moment, reminding me of when I was a serious kid, sometimes annoyed, but inevitably comforted by my playful mother and my aunt. Turns out the guy in front of us had something on his curly hair that attracted mosquitoes and a big mosquito was settling on his neck. Liz and Carolyn were tempted to swat it for the guy, and just the thought of slapping this huge gentle giant sent them into short fits of laughter (which they muffled well with their jackets).

Several years ago, I was deeply immersed in meditation and Bella woke up earlier than usual and she was banging pots and pans in the kitchen as she prepared breakfast. CAN’T YOU SEE I’M MEDITATING? I barked with a menacing glare. She mumbled something like: “Nice, Mom” and slunk out of the room. Minutes later, I laughed. I realized meditation had become no better than taking out the trash. And it ISN’T any better than that. Everything is equal… we can become Aware while driving down the street or brushing the dog… it’s about letting go of control… the need to know how and why and where something has to be done… letting go of having any influence on anyone, having to achieve anything great so that our NAME goes down in posterity. Who cares? What matters is this very moment. And then, I believe, those moments lead us to peace… but what does it matter?

I conclude with a passage from Adyashanti’s retreat catalogue. He says: “Truth is that which lies beyond the grasp of the dreaming mind. It is not something that can be captured and stated like a fact…Truth exists as much in you teacup as it does in your temples and churches. To think of truth only in spiritual or religious terms is to miss the whole of it, for in doing so you create the boundaries and divisions that are the very antithesis of truth.”