Life is messy, but so dang beautiful. When I was depressed, during what I call "the black hole" period of my life, I couldn't see the beauty. I'll never really know what got me out of that depression. I mean, maybe it was the counseling, but one day I was healed and now when I go through something difficult it only makes me more grateful, more tangible... like I used to be behind glass. The glass shattered and now I get cut and I cut but at least it's authentic, real, full of messy feelings.
So, yesterday I was out with this group of people most of whom I don't know all that well and one guy turned to me and said, "You're always smiling." The others agreed - one woman seemed genuinely happy for me, someone else chimed "It's annoying, isn't it?" and I was too embarrassed to look at the others. And I thought about it... That I am happy is not a result of how little I have had to overcome, but a testament to the efficacy of therapy (or grace!). It's like I'm happy even if I'm sad or pissed off... happy is the main melody and the rest is counterpoint.
Maybe I'm happy because I've returned to my first love: dance. Tonight I'm performing at CU. I never expected to be performing at this age... but I feel like 20... my body feels and looks good...better than when I was 20. Kind of sad because I would have liked opportunities to dance in companies then but all I could do was sabotage myself. All I can hope is that I can help my daughter's discover this kind of butt kicking deep seated joy now so that they can achieve their dreams. And for me... well, how lucky am I to have found it now instead of at 90!! A natural high... a blessing. I love people so much and I just want to pass it on. I want people to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel because I have been in a lot of tunnels to know.