So, the other day an acquaintance in town was telling me some of his problems over the produce and I got up the nerve to recommend my spiritual teacher to him. He stiffened and shook his head and changed the subject, but I wouldn’t let it go. “Why? Why won’t you call her,” I asked, baffled as to why anyone would want to remain in their pain. His lips were drawn tight and then he said, “Maybe I don’t want to know the answers.”

What a refreshing answer! I wanted to kiss him (but only in gratitude). Finally some truth! I rather have people tell me the truth than pussy foot around. Being the stubborn woman I am, I added: “But, the answers will bring you joy!” I believe that, but I don’t care what he chooses to do. I know better than to judge anyone’s timing or choices because everyone finds their own teachers in their own time, and anyway, just when you derive an ounce of healing in relationship to one issue, another rears its ugly head.

For instance, my step father has multisystem atrophy (MSA) which mimics Parkinson’s, but does not respond to the medications as readily; therefore, his body is deteriorating rapidly. His mind, on the other hand, is fully present. He is renowned in the car world. He gave me a solid boost in life and I appreciate that. He gave me wise advice as I was growing up and we shared a love for my big white cat named Enzo. But, he was not particularly emotionally available on a deeper level, or rather interested in knowing me on a deeper level. It probably stems from the fact that both of his parents did not have the emotional or spiritual capacity to support him either as a son or race car driver and that may have driven him inside of himself to a large degree. When he married my mother, he stepped outside of himself the most that he could. In other words, my brother shares more love and time with him by virtue of the fact of loving the same things. At any rate, I have digressed. I am going to visit my stepdad this weekend in conjunction with my 30th high school reunion and I was all the more excited because he and I attended the same high school. I was looking forward more to the time with my step dad even than I was to my reunion, but when I called home yesterday, my mother told me that he had decided to go on a car rally with my brother and will be away the entire time I am in town. The first thing that comes up any time we are challenged, rejected, or attacked is the ego voice: “If he loved you, he would not be doing this to you, but you are so fucking unlovable that you can’t find a date and you couldn’t even stay married... and, and he loves your brother more anyway... and probably your sister too, because you never really belonged to the family anyway.” The ego voice is meaner than mean and most of us live with it – our very own abusive relationship right inside of our heads.

To me, “knowing the answers” meant that I would have to slay my ego, which is tougher than any prince slaying a dragon or Luke slaying Darth. It meant not only knowing the truth about the other person, but the truth about myself. The knowing is initially painful, but eventually it sets you free. I want my step dad to be happy in his last months and I know it’s not personal. I know he loves me, but how many opportunities like this will he have to tool around with friends and professional associates? Probably very few. Knowing the answers has given me the capacity to step outside and see his perspective and to be grateful for what he has given me. Plus, death is no barrier. We see it as a barrier and make a big deal about someone dying and feel guilt that we didn’t do enough or see them often enough, when lo and behold we will find out that they really aren’t so far. I will make the effort to see him beginning of the 2008 and it will all unfold as it is meant to be. I hope I can continue to seek the answers, because I think that is part of healing this world, but as far as others go, the Lord’s timing is none of my business; my job is to love and accept my friends and family unconditionally.