I have been suffering a certain “Angst;” that inexplicable anxiety that is not only compassion for, or identification with, the world’s collective Angst (Weltschmerz?), but also related to a feeling as though I am a panther in a cage. I remember watching the panthers in too small cages at the zoo (they have since substantially expanded the feline exhibit in Denver). I wonder if the panther I saw is the one who ate the zoo keeper last year. Anyway, watching the cat’s eyes, and his panting and snarling, I knew that I had discovered the mirror for the feeling in my heart. It is why I could not stay married (ok even though I was married 18 years!). It had nothing to do with wanting another or different man; it had to do with seeking places within myself I could only find by living my life outside of marriage – and the feeling was so intense that to stay would have destroyed me or turned me into a religious fanatic of some sort. As it is, seven years later, I am much happier alone wondering if I will ever marry again, but the roving Angst remains.

Maybe there’s nothing to it, but because of some reading I did a few years ago, I decided to explore the simian line that runs across my right hand a little further. A simian line replaces the head and heart lines and is the only line that runs straight across the upper half of the palm with no indication of another line attached to it (essentially the head and heart line are one). Only about 4% of Caucasians exhibit it on one hand and up to 13% of Asians, so it is uncommon but not rare. If a person possesses a simian line they are prone to an “incredible intensity of nature, [and] a strong tendency to rush into all things without thinking them through” (HumanHand.com). Oh, did I mention that if a person had this line it was considered a sign that they may be more prone (than people without the line) to murder someone? This is largely because it is a head and heart line connected so that reason and emotion are indistinguishable. I have known to be rash and possessed a vicious temper in my 20’s (my poor poor exhusband!), but now I am relatively mellow and all that remains is this Angst.

While half of they who are afflicted with Down’s Syndrome have simian lines, (and apes and monkey also have it), according to Larry Rodrigues of Handanalysis.com, it has also been attributed to some great thinkers and talented people like John Steinbeck, Henry Miller, former Russian president Nikita Krushchev, and Tony Blair (who has them on both hands - only 1% have it on both). He goes on to say that “people with simian lines generally live their life differently than most other people who do not have simian lines. Not necessarily living better or worse, just living more intensely, with an undercurrent of uneasiness.”

Both sites recommend meditation, which I do. Therapy helped me most –and a spiritual path (Amen!). Anyway, I feel more grounded than ever, but keenly aware of this Angst that drives me to be the best that I can be as a professional dancer and writer. It drives me to turn over every rock and to say things many people would be afraid to say. I feel with an intensity that often overwhelms me - whether it be love or admiration for the rainbow bubbles in my mineral water. But, it is not a yo-yo experience – the feelings coexist... happiness remains the main melody, but even while being grounded in joy and gratitude, I feel rejection and sadness and anger to the core.

While I have many friends, I am alone much of my time. I do not have close friends, per se – ones that call me everyday. I am deeply grateful to have my sister and brothers in my life, because if I really need to cry on a shoulder, they would be the people whom I would call. Part of the reason I do not have close friends, however, is related to the panther quality – a desire to be free, to never get too close in case I get chained down. On one hand, I cannot tolerate drama because of the intensity with which I absorb feelings and because I have little tolerance for people who want to mull around in their stuff. I’m not saying this is good or bad – it just is and I’m beginning to think it is reflected by (or perhaps even related to) my Simian Line. It is only by turning the mirror upon myself that I will understand in order to make choices and change my life where I want it changed. HumanHand.com affirms that “the Simian Line shows incredible strength of will and determination to succeed,” going on to say that “altering reality is far easier for bearers of the Simian Line than for others” because thought creates reality. In that case, I hope there’s a pizza waiting in the kitchen because after all this contemplating, I’m hungry!