I’ve always believed that suppressed feelings can get me into a lot of trouble – or rather, if I stuff them deep enough then I will develop a physical ailment, but every time my back hurts or my digestive system acts up, I forget the connection and resort first to meds. To give you an idea of how deeply I am entrenched in denial - the other night it was the fourth time in a row that I woke at 3 a.m. cursing at my kids for turning up the thermostat on the heater, and I finally realized I was having hot flashes. Duh. Okay, this has nothing to do with feelings, but it does demonstrate my serious DENIAL. (Isn’t 47 way too young for hot flashes?)(j/k)

At any rate, as Christmas approached and my ex-husband was happily celebrating the holidays with 14 relatives and his new girlfriend, I knew in my mind that I should be feeling something, but when I checked in with myself – there was nada, zip, nothing. Even an echo. I felt absolutely fine! I mean, not that I have regrets. After all, I did initiate the divorce, but everyone knows that it is still painful no matter who initiates, and a new girlfriend (no matter when she comes along) indicates a certain finality, a loss of a best friend and dreams – the dream of having a united family. I should have been feeling like I was standing at the edge of a cliff, but instead, nope. I was fine! Really I was.

Ha! Christmas morning I head out to feed the goats and pony and I decide to move one of the 350 lb trash cans full of poop closer to the end of the driveway. I tip the can and lug it 15 or so feet when my feet flip out from under me and everything goes into slow motion. I crash down on my tailbone and the can careens down on top of me. “Oh no!” I say as it is falling, more worried than angry. It lands across my knees and thighs. The lid opens on my face and a huge bag of horse dung bounces out and smooshes the lid against my nose and lips. I am pinned. The light, early morning dusting of snow evidently hid about four inches of ice on the driveway. If I called for help, no one would hear. The girls are at Brian's until later in the day. I eventually wriggle out and stand gingerly, grateful that nothing is broken, although I will be walking slowly for days and my knees blow up to look like those strange bubbly kids' toys that light up when you slap them against a hard surface.

It looked like an accident, but my Karate Kid childhood mentor taught me that there are no accidents. There is always a reason. I thought about it as I dragged 50 lb bags of poop out of the can so I could stand it up again. I needed a reason to cry and it was so much easier to cry about the poop on top of me than it was to cry about the shit going on inside. Although you would think I would learn my lesson, I did not. I sniffle a little, but the feelings remain safely locked inside my head.

Two days later, I develop severe digestive issues any time I put even a bite of food into my mouth – everything from gas to diarrhea. By the evening I was tired of fasting. I was driving home from some event and when I pulled into my garage, I asked myself: “what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Obviously there’s a pouty two-year-old living inside my limbic system.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

I sit in silence a while until the kid relents. I start balling. "Waaaaaaa." At long last, the information in my head had seeped down to my heart. Pain sucks – it really does. It’s sort of like running. I never look forward to it but after I do it, I feel so good. The last thing on earth I want to do - ever - is cry so hard that I drool onto my shirt, but the pay off is that within minutes my digestive system cleared up and I was able to eat a hearty dinner.

I’m on a roll. ‘tis the season. Hohoho. The body likes to trick me into denying that physical pain has ANYTHING to do with feelings, so it changes tacks regularly. Yesterday, I woke up with back spasms, but that’s a whole other long story I won't get into. Usually my feelings give me a couple weeks between being stirred up, but maybe we’re getting a lot over with all at once. I figured out why I was getting the back spasms and they went away, but this crying and drooling - while healthy - is really an annoying way to begin the New Year. Happy New Year!

(By the way, if your interested in this feelings/physical pain theory – it’s medically supported by Dr. John Sarno, and explained in The Mindbody Prescription or Healing Back Pain. It effects not only the back, but includes many conditions that cause chronic pain - from Bells Palsy to migraines and carpal tunnel to sciatica. He is a hero!